“Mam, are you okay mam? Mam?”
That left me out of trance. I take deep breathes, and say, “yes.. please continue.”
Again, after a few minutes, the nurse asks me. “Mam, are you okay? Are you sure you are okay? Press the button if you need us. We’re right here. Just a few more minutes.. relax.. think of something that will make you happy.”
The nurse plays music for me. I take deep breathes, and close my eyes. I imagine.
Hey Soul sister by Train. I smile. You’re not much of singer, but you like to pretend you are. You sing along, off tune, and it makes me smile because you do this for me.
All of Me by John Legend. A tear falls down from my face.
I imagine you, like how you are, lip syncing to the song while we dance poorly, I am not much of a dancer. You hold me close, and say “baby, it’s okay..”
I breath heavier, your face fades away. My head starts to hurt. The nurse is telling me, just a few more minutes to get a clear scan, but I am shaking. I can hear you, “it’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here.. calm down. I’m here..” slowly, your voice becomes quiet. I panic. I don’t want to be alone.
The MRI scan is over. The nurse takes me out, slowly and gently. He sighs. “Are you okay? Please sit down for a while, it’s going to be fine..” I can’t hear his voice, my head starts to hurt, and I vomit.
I sit and look around. I am alone. You are not here. You never were. You never came to any of my sessions.
I cry silently, as my attacks overcome me. I tell myself to be brave. I tell myself it’s okay.
Because you know, but you never came anyway.
– you keep me going even after you’ve left. // hrh